In response to http://img804.imageshack.us/img804/2083/camilleapology.png
(Thanks to revscene.net for the unedited version)
Or here:
Yes, this is me in the picture above.
Yes, this is me in the YouTube video ( http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jimZ1tSdPY0 )
I am not proud of my actions and have made a visit to Tim Hortons to turn myself in.
My Apologies
I apologize to the city of Vancouver for particapating in the great Donut Riot of 2011
I apologize to the residents of Vancouver for having to deal with the donut crumbs that resulted
I apologize to Tim Hortons for having to throw away my used napkins
I apologize to my employers for making a 15 minute break into a 23 minute break.
I apologize to the library for getting some of their books sticky with my donut covered fingers.
My Story
I know a lot of you don't believe me, but the truth is that I take full responsibility for my actions. Kind of. I sincerely apologize for my actions. I guess. I mean, the only reason I did it was because of mob mentality. It's not my fault so much as it's your fault for filming me doing it. Everyone was doing it, so why should I be singled out? But I digress. I apologize for the Donut Riots of 2011. But you see, you have to understand. I would normally never eat 30 Tim Bits. Never. Normally I have 1-3 Tim Bits, and off I go. But today....everyone was just eating donuts all over the place. As a result, now I am the victim due to social media, as the mob has now turned on me.
Why don't I think I deserve all this treatment
Because for one, uh hello, did you not just see my heartfelt apology up above? God you guys make me sick. I typed it out and everything. It took me like 10 minutes. I am laying this out like it's a school paper, that alone should give me huge props. Whatever. Anyways, I don't deserve this.
I did NOT use up all the creamer
I did NOT use up all the napkins
I did NOT throw the stir sticks at children
I did NOT move the "Caution: Floor is wet" sign
On any regular day I would not condone mass donut eating
However, at the time of the Donut Riots, everything just seemed so tasty.
At the time, being a part of the Donut riot was simply to fulfill the sugar rush I was looking and hoping for - a sugar rush that I previously got from stealing sugar packets from the local McDonalds, dancing on the street, high fiving people, spraying sugar all over my face to celebrate my love of Donuts. In the same way that everybody shows pride in sugar, it was enjoyable to express my love of donuts by eating mass amounts of Tim Bits. Don't be a bitch, you'd do the same thing. God I hate you people.
I had no intentions of eating all the Tim Bits in Tim Hortons. I love Tim Hortons. I love the cold manner in which they process my order, and the look of barely concealed hatred as they hand me my coffee. But in my sugar deprived state, and with everyone eating donuts with or without me around, I figured I might as well get my sugar fix.
And what was going on my head about the eating?
As bad as it sounds, some of the donuts were purely fun for me. I had no intentions of eating the honey cruller Tim Bits. Those things are really gross, who the hell even wants to eat those? I don't have any friends, family or any other people who enjoy them. I did not plan on selling them either.
FYI: The crullers will be returned today, but have not been returned yet as they are covered in pocket lint and pennies. Once I clean them off and assure Tim Horton's of the 3 second rule that was used on them, they will be returned.
I'm a UBC Student, and an adult. Did you read that? I'm a UBC Student. So I'm smart and should be given a pass. Also, this entire article, again, is written like the worlds best paper. Look how smart and collected I am. Anyways, I guess I should know better
Like all good papers, here are a bunch of quotes to support me. If you reject these quotes, it means you're embracing stupidity. Don't be an ignorant moron.
As Ronald McDonald himself said
“I'm lovin' it". Which is just what I did. I loved it. And didn't Tim Hortons also say "You've Always Got Time for Tim Hortons". I think so. So obviously, by these two quotes, I think it easy pretty darn easy to forgive me for giving into my inner donut desires, because they made me do it. As soon as I left Tim Horton's I knew I was wrong
As soon as I left the riot I knew what I did was wrong. My levels of sugar had levelled off and I was no longer surrounded by donut eating citizens. I also realized "Oh ****, people had cameras."
If I knew that I was wrong, then why didn't I do something about it sooner?
I knew that I was going to return the donuts, so why did it take me 2.5 days instead of .5 days? See how I used decimals? That **** is scientific my friends. And if it's scientific, how can it be wrong? Don't be ignorant. Anyways, why did I wait 2.5373477 days to do something about it? Well it certainly wasn't because I didn't think anyone had seen it. Or that I saw people posting pictures of the Donut Rioters everywhere. No no, it had nothing to do with that at all. It was because I was afraid of my parents, who are very anti sucrose, I was scared to tell them about it. That's all. Very nobly of me. Didn't want to sadden my family, yada yada yada, are you guys done yet?
The infamous smile
And still, people see the giant grin on my face, and hold it against me. Well that's because I was on a sugar high. I felt like Bill Cosby before he eats his jello. NONE OF YOU CAN EVER UNDERSTAND THE COMPLEXITY OF MY CHARACTER!
Don't believe me? Here is some more random background about how awesome of a UBC student at UBC I am, I attend UBC where I do UBC things and do awesome UBC stuff. UBC UBC UBC.
Hey man, I like good nutrition too. One time I saw some kids eating some licorice and I was all like "Pleaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaase! Stop eating all that licorice. It will ruin your appetite." So they stopped eating the licorice. I FELT LIKE A GAWD DAMNED HERO! I felt more alive than I had ever felt before. You pathetic humans didn't even deserve to be in my presence, so elevated above you was I...... So yeah, if you hate on me, you're hating a freaking hero. Don't be ignorant.
The "21st Century Warlock Hunt?"
Boom. I pulled out the quotation marks AND used a question mark. I bet you guys are feeling pretty stupid right about now. Just accept my apology already, you can't beat my stunningly crafted UBC based argument. Anyways, Websters definese a donut riot as blah blah blah, suck it, I can do whatever I want as long as I say I'm sorry.
Also, here are some quotes that show me as a victim
"You're not a real stanchion, why do you insist on posting under this user name?" -Ludite Ned
"**** you Stanchion, whose side are you on??" - Eatveggiesnotdonuts
"WHY DID YOU PASS TO BERGRON?" - Kelser4Sekle
1) Hey Ludite Ned, don't tell me who I am or am not. How dare you try and label me.
2) Swearing at me? Wow. Ignorant.
3) It's spelt SELKE you idiot. Though what should I expect from a non UBC educated plebeian.
In closing:
UBC UBC UBC UBC UBC UBC UBC UBC UBC UBC UBC UBC UBC UBC UBC UBC UBC UBC UBC UBC UBC UBC UBC UBC UBC UBC UBC UBC UBC UBC UBC UBC UBC UBC UBC UBC UBC UBC UBC UBC UBC UBC UBC UBC UBC UBC UBC UBC UBC UBC UBC UBC UBC UBC UBC UBC UBC UBC UBC UBC UBC UBC UBC UBC UBC UBC UBC UBC UBC UBC UBC UBC UBC UBC UBC UBC UBC UBC UBC UBC UBC UBC UBC UBC UBC UBC UBC UBC UBC UBC UBC UBC UBC UBC UBC UBC . Don't be ignorant. At this point it's pretty much your fault I ate those donuts, it's pretty obvious.
Signed,
The Stanchion
